Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in bettyboots' LiveJournal:

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Tuesday, December 12th, 2006
8:43 pm	so i might be pregnant and of course kip is M.I.A. wow im stupid. (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, December 11th, 2006
11:55 am	conflicting ideals many philosophers debate over the mind/body problem. how do we have this physical body and have it connect to a nonphysical mind? for a long time i came to grips with the fact that our mind is physical. it is just electrical impulses from neurons and our feelings are really not that big of a deal because it is just an impulse our brain makes us have. but i dont really know if i can believe that anymore. you see i have conflicting ideals. my brain is telling me one thing and my mind is telling me another. there is no way i feel as though i can connect these two. maybe its only because i dont want to see it but there just doesnt seem to be a way. i know what is right for me at this point in my life but i cant fight the feelings i have. the ache and the confusion of my mind and brain. my heart is thrown in there too but my heart can go fuck itself. i guess all i can do is wait but its hard because im so impatient. i just want him to figure things out and come tell me he loves me and he's so sorry for everything and he'd do anything to be with me because im beautiful and incredible. he needs to be a better boyfriend and learn how to care about others. how i make him realize that we are meant to be if only he could open his heart. if only he were a better person. thats so sad that i feel so much for someone yeat i think they should change. i should be with someone that is right for me and doesnt need to change. i want to be with him but not who he is right now. god im stupid. i wish i could talk to him and explain these things and maybe it would just hit him and he'd know that he needs to open up. (Comment on this)
Sunday, December 10th, 2006
9:42 am	not okay no, its not gonna get better. cuz even if it gets better with him, there will just be another guy pretty soon that will break my heart too. its a vicious cycle of obsession, love, hate, and finally destruction. i really liked him. if only he were a better person. if only he were more mature. if only he cared about others more. but he doesnt and it hurts that bad. i just want to fall in love. i dont care about settling down or getting married, i just want to feel something for someone and have them feel it back. he feels it back but he's not gonna give. i want him to know i care still and that he makes everything good for me. he makes things not as hard and he makes me smile more than i have in years. he just took all of my frustrations away. this meant the world to me. i dont think he knows that and i wish i could tell him but i cant because i dojnt know how to expalin things to him. i know what i want to say and as i go to say it, it all just gets so mixed up in my head that it doesnt sound good at all. why am i so stupid? (Comment on this)
Tuesday, October 24th, 2006
9:55 pm	this is the part this is the part where i tel lyou things are better, and this is the part where i tell you im doing great. this is the point in my life where it should all mean something. but it just doesnt. and i feel like the only happiness is a quick fix. its all fake happiness. subcutaneous. superficial. i just want to go eat thanksgiving with my girls and kick it. i just want to be out of school. i just want more tattoos. i just want another tall can of mickeys. and soon i'll be relaxed. i just want kipling to tell me im gorgeous. love is my drug. whats yours? (Comment on this)
Thursday, October 12th, 2006
9:53 am	hellz yeah i can flow. so this is what it takes for you to be free. this is how im supposed to let you go and let you be. but its you who has to see that all along it wasnt me. it was you who was holdin you back, you who caused the final attack, the last impression on my heart and so all i can think is your evil, your anger, your unloving gaze, your self centered ways. and this is what im left with, a broken heart, an empty bed, and a longing to find who i really am, now that i dont have you. i try to stay strong though my days seem so long. i hold my head high, i cant let it bother me, but im dying inside knowing that its you who i love, you who i want. you are there when i close my eyes, and even after we've said our goodbyes, i wish you could see my love for you and come save me when you hear my cries. im so sick of being walked over. i want to be strong, i want to move on, but my heart wont let me so please dont just let it be. (Comment on this)
Monday, October 9th, 2006
8:20 am	yep so today im going to the dermatologist. i have skin cancer. im going for a consultation cuz i want to have surgery and have it removed. yeah so thats something most of you never knew. its no big deal. just another thing to add to my seemingly large pile of fuckness. everything that can go wrong, will go wrong. and sure enough.... (Comment on this)
Sunday, September 24th, 2006
12:17 pm	gahhh god i wish i could just telepathically tell him to call me. i miss him so much but all my friends want to me to stay away from him and i know they are right but i miss him terribly and i just want to hang out with him. what do i do? (Comment on this)
Friday, September 22nd, 2006
7:58 am	cant stop crying why is it that i push the hardest against the people i love most? why do i keep screwing myself over like this? all i can do is cry and lay awake at night and wonder how i can just turn back time. it will never never happen. no matter how bad i want it. and now i have to go to school and work and i just dont know how im gonna be able to when all i can do is cry. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, September 21st, 2006
10:04 am	circles do you ever get the feeling that while you are dating guys that look completely different, they are actually all the same?i hear girls say it but i dont want it to be true. my problem is the way they treat me. im a passive yet emotional person, so i'll tell them how i feel and then let them slap me around for saying it. its at the point where i dont want to say how i feel because kenny just gets so mad and leaves. well he tries to leave until i come begging on hands and knees for him to stay and talk it out with me. so i need your help. do i stay with him, because i love him dearly, and try to fix things or do i just let him walk? i hate myself for looking like a fool when the fights begin with him hurting my feelings. in the end it becomes my fault and i dont know how these 180's happen. he thinks im irrational about the way i feel sometimes and i agree. sometimes i do get upset about things that shouldnt have really started anything. but the thing is, the small things that will upset me, i talk to him about them and he just gets so angry. he has no will to understand that he hurt me. and i love him and i know he loves me but i feel like i dont deserve this. i think i have a lot to offer and am a great girlfriend, so why is it that i let guys treat me like this? i really need some info cuz im losing my mind. (Comment on this)
Thursday, August 17th, 2006
12:07 am	maryland im in maryland for the week visiting my family. its kind of weird because i havent been here since christmas and i feel like a long lost cousin. new things are happening in my family. weddings, graduations, babies, break ups, its all going on and im not there to see any of it. on the fridge there is a picture of the entire family. all of my brothers and sisters and their children and significant others, my stepmom, my dad. everyone is there except for me. anhd i cant help but think... is this how its always gonna be? is this how i want it? how am i supposed to choose beautiful san diego with all of my friends and college and all that jazz to elkton maryland with my family. its a choice that i realize i already made. but i made it without knowing the consequences. and i really want to know, if i knew then what i know now, would i have still made that decision? (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, July 8th, 2006
3:53 pm	what happened so i really fucked up this time. This guy, kenny, who im completely in love with broke up with me because im such a stupid bitch. he is literally the sweetest guy ever and treated me so well. but of course me being me, i couldnt trust him. god how am i ever gonna live my life if all i can think about is him cheating on me and losing the guy i love? and i was a bitch to him because i took him for grantid and didnt want him to see the real me. the innocent vulnerable little girl that cant say one word to a boy without a few drinks. god now i need to know what to do to get him back. candles? a new shirt? a walk on the beach? what can i do to make him realize that i wont treat him like that anymore and i can get him back? (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, June 16th, 2006
2:29 pm	gahh so i really hate guys right now. they are so low and drive me crazy. i just want to be happy and it seems like ive lost my mind. i dunno, maybe im bipolar, or maybe guys just get to my head and skrew around with things in there but gahh i hate it. im just gonna give up and join the she-woman man haters club (Comment on this)
Thursday, May 18th, 2006
9:57 am	is it normal to dream all the time about the love you lost? people tell me i'll be fine and it will go away, but we've been over for like 3 months now and im trying so hard to forget. i really really am. i tried to tell him how much i loved him and that i would miss him but it didnt stop the dreams. and whats worse is he kissed me on the cheek. like a pity kiss. one of those im sorry your a great girl, just not good enough for me kisses. i dont know what to do but i know this isnt working. 2 more finals and then im out. then i have to get a job. damnit. fuck that im getting wasted this weekend. that will solve everything. (Comment on this)
Saturday, April 29th, 2006
9:51 am	so im very depressed and i dont know why exactly. im sick to my stomache depressed. the kind where i dont want anyone to touch me and i just want to sleep all day. i think im just stressed out with school cuz i have 4 papers due like this week and i have finals coming up. but then i think about it and i dont think im happy. like really happy with what is going on in my life. and i dont know what to do. everything is just out of my hands reach and every time i try to get up one more step to reach something, i feel like i just fall a few steps on the ladder. my back is killing me. like i cant move from this slumped position cuz it hurts so bad. and i just want a back massage but kenny doesnt give a shit and i dont have the money to get one. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, April 25th, 2006
9:17 pm	do you ever feel like maybe if you tried really hard, you could just rip your skin off and be someone else or atleast start anew? i wish that could happen. i wish i could just turn back the clock but know what i know now. damnit janet. i guess thats why people say you learn from your mistakes. but i dont know if it was me learning from my mistakes or me cowering in fear from them. all i know know is no matter how many times ive tried to change, and to protect myself and say i wont let it happen again, i keep falling back into my same routine. girl meets boy. boy falls hopelessly in love with girl. girl plays hard to get because of deep secrets that are hard for her to remember. girl eventually falls madly in love with boy. but this is where it all goes wrong. somewhere between this incredibly passionate love and happily ever after, it all falls apart. my heart breaks and i end up with more fear than i began with and less friends because of my stupidity and hopeless devotion. stupid me. it happened with from 13 to 14 it happened with zane from 15-16 and it happened with dan from 17-18. i thought i learned my lesson but each time it happened again and it hurt even worse. and as i look at kenny every now and then, i wonder if it will be the same thing over and over again. but what im most afraid of is that it wont because i cant, i wont, let myself feel anything for him. will i ever say yes to his repeated trials of getting me to be with him? not any time soon. guys fucking suck. (Comment on this)
Monday, April 24th, 2006
12:02 pm	stop why am i still crying after 2 months. why does it still hurt like this? i just want my life back. i just want to stop crying. i just want some fucking answers to why. i just feel like the book isnt closed but im so tired of reading. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, April 1st, 2006
7:36 pm	i wont call anymore. i cant do that to myself. i want him to just drift away and never talk to me again unless its to beg for my forgiveness. i know he wont because he doesnt care what this did to me. but i dont ever want to talk to him again. im moving to vegas at the end of july. its my home and i cant deny that. i guess i never really knew that. vegas sucks but fuck, so does everwhere else. i'll end up on a plantation house in south carolina with a giant yard and a garden. atleast 5 bedrooms, im not sure what will go in them. it will be like from the skeleton key, but not creepy, just beautiful. (Comment on this)
Monday, March 27th, 2006
10:55 am	spring break do you ever just want something so bad and you cant have it? grrrr. im such a fuck up. but i do what i want and i cant regret that. so yeah fucking school again. i dont wanna go but i know i have to. im gonna do fast track next semester and only go to school like twice a week. i got a ceramic bulldog in tijuana and i thought it was cute when i bought it, but now it just seems kinda creepy. dont you just hate songs that explain your feelings perfectly. they are so great at reminding you of how shitty you feel. no, i know what i want. why not go get it? Current Mood: anxious (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, March 18th, 2006
2:03 pm	st. patrick's day so i got wasted last night, and it was fun, but it seemed like every five minutes someone would have to tell me to stop talking about him. im tired of this bullshit i wish i knew what his problem was. i wish he would just sweep me off my feet like he used to. and if he's not willing to then i want my fucking heart back, cuz he doesnt deserve it. why am i fucking crying? i shouldnt be crying over this. he fucked up, he should be crying. but i think i am starting to realize how how little i meant to him. damnit im confused. Current Mood: numb (Comment on this)
Thursday, March 16th, 2006
1:45 pm	that smell you know how every guy has a certain smell? and you can just be walking along and smell it and you get this picture in your mind of them? that happens to me all the time. but the worst thing is when your with a guy and you smell them and its just not right. haha that sounds funny. no, i mean like its not the guy you want, so its not the right smell. i dont know, maybe im crazy, but if you don't admit you ever felt the same then i think you're the crazy one. when you really think about it, what is love? is it how you feel when you're around them? that feeling you get in your heart and stomache that makes you not want to let go? Is it your ability to feel comfortable in their arms and give them your full trust? I dont really know. i'm sure these things play into it greatly. i mean, im sure you could know a guy for like a week or two and marry him and be happy, but would you really love him? people still have arranged marriages. they learn to love the one they are with because they have to. is it really love or not? if it is then its like you could love anyone if you tried hard enough. so maybe instead of looking to love as the answer, you have to look more into infatuation and passion. if you can have that last, then whose to say it's not love? if you kiss the same man after years and you still get that feeling like you could melt right then and there, dont let anyone tell you its just lust. how the fuck do they know? i dont know if i love him, but i do know that when he kisses me i still melt. (Comment on this)